Words Go A Long Way But Self-Reflection Will Get You Further

I am writing this post after reading two blogs on my blogroll that mentioned some hurtful comments they received on their blogs recently (or even distantly).  The fact that I have decided to take time to write about this when I should be doing something else may be just enough to encourage these commenters.  After all, my time is valuable and writing takes energy that I have very little of these days yet, I am investing my time and energy on them.  It must be important to me.

I visited Mommy Wants Vodka today and read this post which lead me to read this post.  I know I am re-directing you a lot but trust me, it is worth the read and I encourage you to do some blog hopping.  I commented on both posts then visited Amy's blog at Amy's Assorted Adventures and read this post which lead me to this post.


Holy shit.  No wonder I don't get any work done around here!  

This is not anywhere near the first time I have read about people leaving nasty comments on blogs.  In fact, every blog I read where the author exposes his or her vulnerability has had nasty comments left by some asshole insecure person in the world.  Tena, Brittany, and Penny Lane  are just a few wonderful women (in addition to Aunt Becky and Amy) who have been (publicly, mind you) unfairly judged and criticized.

Why are they the target of criticism?  Because they are REAL.  Sure, they use humor to lighten the mood and keep readers interested but if you really take an interest in them, you will clearly see that they are beautiful human beings who go out on a limb.  They stick their necks out and expose their private lives to everyone on the internet.  As readers, we should NEVER take this lightly.  It takes some people many years in counseling to gather the courage to reveal themselves to someone they truly trust yet these authors are revealing themselves to total strangers.  We must always remember that being invited into somebody's private world is A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT and once we are invited in that world, we must take great care to avoid losing the person's trust.

Does this mean that we as readers should never be honest or ever challenge the author?  Absolutely not.  Indeed, we have all gained a lot of insight about our lives and our struggles when a truly caring person challenges us in gentle and tactful ways.  However, to just throw thoughtless comments our way only accomplishes three things.

1) It hurts the author and possibly discourages him or her from EVER opening up again.
2) It makes you look like a complete and total fuckwad.
3) It breeds anger from some very dedicated followers who have really come to care about the author, even if we never met him or her in person.

And for the record, assigning the name of "Someone Who Cares" to yourself as you leave the comment does NOT AT ALL make the comment easier for the author to digest.  Doing this only serves to make you feel like less of a fuckwad when you know you really are acting like one.  If you truly DO care, at least have the decency to leave your name or contact information so we can connect with the person who cares about us so much because after all, we could all stand to have more people who care in our lives.

So, what can you do instead of cowardly throwing insults at the author when you are struck by what he or she said?  First and foremost (before you start typing), you should ALWAYS take a moment to do some self-reflection and ask yourself, "WHY am I experiencing the need to attack?  WHAT emotion am I struggling with right now and WHY am I having such a strong reaction?"  I am willing to bet that if you really dig deep, 9 times out of 10, you will find that you are feeling threatened by what the author said because it brings up something from your past.

To the person who called Becky an "addict in plain sight," was there some event that happened in your past surrounding addiction that affected you?  Maybe you are worried that you yourself may have an addiction?  If any of this rings true, maybe you can begin your own healing process.  To the person who told Amy that her orphanage "is just an institution," what sort of experiences had you had with various institutions in your life?  If they were negative, then I can see why you may feel threatened but maybe you can come to the point where you can find value in some organizations that resemble institutions to you.

If the answer to those questions is something like, "I am experiencing sadness or fear for the author because I care about him or her," then you may consider saying something like, "I feel sad (or scared) for you" then offer something supportive rather than judgmental.

To all of my blog friends who have been targets of hurtful comments, please keep the following in mind.
1) When we write publicly, we open ourselves up to criticism.
2) When people respond to us in a negative way it is because what we said somehow threatens them.  There is something in THEIR lives that they are struggling with and to cope with the anxiety within them, they project that threat back onto us because doing so is much less threatening than owning it themselves.
3) In some way, what you said, regardless of how they reacted, may have struck a nerve so much that they may realize for the first time that they are struggling with something sensitive.

PLEASE, do not stop writing your blogs and if you want to share something personal with us, continue to do so.  You are helping your readers so much!  By sharing your struggles and your personal experiences, it helps us all to understand that we are not so unusual for having similar experiences ourselves.  That is what humanity is all about and despite the insecure people out there, I am always encouraged by the humanity that is shared among fellow bloggers!