I "Pehed" For The Answer

I had a bit of a breakdown 2 weeks ago.  Life has been a bit rough.

Being in grad school is exciting.  I am reading such awesome material!  My studies are ALL ABOUT mental health counseling for once and I LOVE it!  The work isn't difficult but it is so demanding.  I read every day from 7am until I go to bed.  I have NO time for ANYTHING AT ALL BUT SCHOOL.  I was okay with that...until 2 weeks ago.  Or was I?

It turns out that I really wasn't okay with that but I had to tell myself I was in order to keep on pluggin' away.  I kept telling myself that this time will go by quickly and everyone will be around when I am done.  Soon, I will have time for friends and family.  I was on auto-pilot, burning the candle at both ends, and whatever other cliche that applied.

My father-in-law is in a nursing home and I never have time to see him.  My mother-in-law is alone at home and I never have time for her.  My friend's husband is on hospice and I know that means that the end is near.  My daughter leaves for college in the fall; I only have 10 months left with my baby living at home.  Another friend of mine's husband is in the hospital and I haven't been available for them either.  I haven't cooked, cleaned or shopped since school started.  I was forgetting everything if a note wasn't taped to my forehead.  I considered tattooing a "to-do list" on my arm but I don't have enough arm to include all I have to do.  In fact, I was forgetting so much that I started to panic that I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

My Lupus started to flair up but I tried to ignore the pain and fatigue and all the hair that was falling on the floor because I didn't have time to worry about it or let it slow me down.

One night, my chest started hurting and it was a different hurt than I normally experience with my esophageal spasms.  I wondered if this was a sign but still, I ignored it.

Then my daughter came home from school and told me she had another "episode."  I thought I blogged about this in the past but apparently, I have not so I will give you a quick summary.  My daughter has issues with anxiety.  Now, I know what you are thinking.  You are shocked to hear this because her mom is like a fucking rock when it comes to keeping her shit together.

At any rate, her anxiety struggles became apparent when she first pulled her hair out at the age of 8 and continued for about 5 years.  A short time after that stopped, she started having what we thought were seizures.  She wouldn't pass out but she would "fade out" and lose total awareness of her surroundings for a few moments then spend a few more minutes in a state of "what-the-fuckness."  After a week in the hospital with electrodes stuck to her head, it was determined that she was not having seizures.  She was experiencing dissociation episodes brought on by anxiety.  We encouraged her to talk to a psychologist but she wanted nothing to do with it and was determined to correct the problem on her own.  She did.  Sorta.   A few months later, she started to get heart palpitations and her heart would skip a beat and it caused her pain in the chest.  After a trip to the doctor and a day of wearing a Halter Monitor, she was diagnosed with PVC's (Premature Ventricular Contractions) induced by...yup, you guessed it, anxiety.  Again, I tried to encourage her to talk to someone.  I explained that I was proud of her for correcting her symptoms but the anxiety is still there.  It just keeps showing its ugly face in different ways.  Her answer was, "Mom!  Can't the doctor just put me on medication?  I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SEE A THERAPIST!  THAT WILL JUST STRESS ME OUT MORE!  Again, I couldn't convince her so I convinced her doc to put her on meds.  She has been relatively symptom-free since...until 2 weeks ago when she said she had another episode and then followed it up with, "I just realized I am not better.  I think I should see a counselor."

I. Fell. Apart.

My poor baby girl.  She struggles with anxiety on a daily basis and what have I done to help her?  Not only have I not been able to help her with her daily shit, I have added "pick up your brother from football, do the grocery shopping, and if you ever want to eat dinner, cook it yourself" to her to-do list because I HAVE ZERO IN THE TIME DEPARTMENT!  I cried.  Hard.  For a day and a half.

These were my thoughts:

• I am burning the candle at both ends and I am making myself sicker.
• My family and friends need me and I am not available for them.
• My daughter will be off to college then adult-life and my friend's husband that is on home hospice will be dead by the time I graduate.
• My father-in-law may be worse by the time I have any time to spend with him.
• I need to take a break from school.
• Starting NOW, I am on a leave of absence.
• But wait, I am halfway through the semester.  Stopping now will be stupid.  Finish the semester then re-evaluate.
• Talk to Caitlin first and see what she thinks.
• No, it is not her responsibility to make my decisions for me.
• Regardless of what Caitlin thinks, I still want to be available for her and the rest of my family.
• Get my ass to school already!  
• I am pushing myself to get my degree so I can help a ton of people I don't know in the future while the people I know and love who need me now are being neglected.  That is ass-backwards.

And my Lupus wasted NO time in taking advantage of the fact that I was a complete and utter mess.

I didn't know what to do so I started reading some blogs and Casey writing about how her daughter reminded them to "peh" gave me the answer.  Awww...Daisy, you are so little and so damn smart!  Why was I making such a complicated mess out of this?  I should have known on my own to keep it simple and have a heart-to-heart with my Father in Heaven.  I prayed for the answer with all my heart.

The next day, my daughter and I spent the day in the emergency department because she hit her head with a door and has a concussion.  And there was my answer from God.  My family needs me.

The next day, my doctor gave me a note for a medical leave until August of 2012.  The decision was so difficult for me to make, after being a full-time student for the past 5 years.  I have made some friends in my grad classes and it is so sad that they will be moving on in the program ahead of me.  I won't be in their classes when I go back and that thought is a tough one to swallow.  But, it is the right thing to do.  My health as well as the health of my family and friends is more important right now.  I will enjoy my time off and will look forward to my return in the fall!