22 Things I Have Done

So, I was visiting my friend Joann at Laundry Hurts My Feelings and was reading this post in which she made me read this post over at Mama Kat's Losin' It.  Then I clicked on her "Writer's Prompts" button which lead me to something else and somehow, I got lost and ended up all over the place then back here again.  Anyway, I found a prompt inspired by Sellabit Mum that I thought would be interesting.  As the title suggests, I am to write about 22 things that I have done.  Only 22???

I normally don't participate in these meme type things and it isn't because I don't want to.  I often want to but they come attached with these rules of linking this to that and I can never figure that part out!  I have decided that I will master this networking thing if it kills me!  This will be a challenge but I am ready for it...after I pee and get more coffee.  Brb.

Okay, I am unloaded and reloaded and ready to roll.

1)  I have sharted.

I mean really, who hasn't?  The phone woke me up one morning before I had my morning poo.  By the time I was knee deep in a conversation, I was really uncomfortable and I thought I would quietly squeeze one out without the person on the other end hearing.  Well, I squeezed one out all right and I would have gotten away with it too if my hubbie didn't come upstairs while I was still on the phone and yell, "Did someone take a shit up here?!"  Really, men have NO couth!

2)  I have eaten a corner of a Pop Tart with dust bunnies on it.  In all fairness, I brushed the dust bunnies off of it before I ate it.  I am not TOTALLY DISGUSTING!  I was dieting for my body building competition and I was fucking hungry, okay??  My son found the corner of a Pop Tart under the table covered in dust and said, "Mommy, yucky."  I said, "Yes, that IS yucky.  I better throw that away" and when he wasn't looking, I brushed it off and ate it.  And you know what?  It was the BEST damn Pop Tart I ever had!

3)  I have personally retrieved THREE thongs from my dog's ass.  What can I say?  Her palate is about as sophisticated as mine.  At least I eat things that I can shit out without assistance!  And by "without assistance" I mean "while I am standing in my bedroom on the phone."

4)  I have ran downstairs in the middle of the night armed with a curling iron and a can of Aqua Net to attack an intruder.  Well, he didn't intrude.  Some asshole broke my sliding glass door when I was 12 and home alone and it scared the shit outta me.  Well, no it didn't.  I didn't shit that time, believe it or not.  It happened when I was getting ready for bed and I couldn't find a weapon so I grabbed something to...make him sticky and probe his ass with?  I DO believe the Aqua Net could have killed him though.

5)  I have proven that I do in fact have the balls to become a firefighter but realized that it takes more than balls to do the job.  If I were only a few inches taller and a little bit stronger...

6)  I have held a dying person's hand more than once.  I am just sad that I wasn't holding my own mom's hand when she died.

7)  Speaking of when my mom died, I have actually looked in the passenger seat of my truck expecting to see Jesus Christ Himself sitting there and was shocked that He wasn't.  I had just finished praying for my mother and a song came on the radio immediately after my prayer that seemed to answer my prayer perfectly.  I was sure Jesus was in the car with me.

8)  I have spewed crap outta my mouth with such anger, volume, and force that I even scared myself...and suffered from laryngitis for a week following as a result.

9)  I have gone on shopping sprees that would make Ivana Trump's head spin but with much less coin to pay for it all.

10)  I have threatened my husband with buying a Guinea Pig if he wouldn't let me have the puppy I wanted.  He bought me the puppy.  Then another puppy.  Then I bought a Guinea Pig.

11)  I have stolen my husband's checkbook while he was at work to buy a third puppy after he said we couldn't have any more dogs.  The third dog is his favorite now.  Sucker!

12)  I have been bullied.

13)  I have been a bully (and some would say I still am.  I say I am assertive and direct and they can deal with it).

14)  I have painted a family portrait.

No, it isn't perfect but for an introductory painting class, I think it is pretty damn good!

15)  I have seen the most gruesome injuries as an EMT

16)  I have put down my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff in the back of an ambulance to pray with a patient because they asked me to pray with them...more than once.

17)  I have spent a month in the hospital and endured seven operations after I fell out of a tree and nearly died.

18)  I have sat through eleven tattoo sessions and I am not done yet!

19)  I have quit smoking approximately 20 times.

20)  I have peed the bed more times than I care to admit...and oddly enough, this embarrasses me more than the time I sharted!  It is not my fault!!!  Those damn dreams of having to go sooo badly then FINALLY finding a toilet...only to realize it wasn't JUST a dream and the toilet wasn't quite a toilet.

21)  I have learned that that little white box on the top shelf of mom's closet was NOT where she hid my Christmas gifts and those batteries in her drawer were NOT for the flashlight.

22)  I have laughed so hard that I literally gasped for breath and feared I would pass out and loved every  second of it!

AND.... 23 for the price of 22...Have shaved my head bald to support my sister when she was going through chemo treatments.