FML

I love going to fmylife.com and reading all of the entries in there.  I laugh my ass off while I read some of them.  Others I just simply say to the computer, "Waaah!  Deal with it."  I love that I can click on the "In your face" button and tell people that they totally got what they deserved and I also love that I can click the "yea, you deserve to have a pity party" button as well.  I try to be supportive for the most part after all.  Going into the field of counseling, I obviously DO have compassion for people and their problems but here is a little secret.  The whole FML thing...usually makes me LESS compassionate for people.  I am usually compassionate about the issues bothering someone UNTIL they throw in "FML."  For example:

Friend:  "I am having such a shitty day."
Me:  "I am so sorry.  What happened?"
Friend:  "Well, I went to the mall and they didn't have the shirt I really wanted then I went home and I had to wash the dishes.  FML!"
Me (on the inside): "Really?  Fuck your life because of THAT?"  (On the outside), "Uh....sorry?"

I think people use that phrase way too often.  As a mental health counselor in training, when someone says "FML," I have a sense that they are at the end of their rope.  That if ONE more bad thing happens to them, they are going to take the bridge.  There are definitely times when it is understandable to say, "Fuck everything!"  For instance...

My classes started Wednesday.  I have to find a way to buy the rest of the books I need immediately.  I have 10 of the FIFTEEN books I need for my FOUR classes.  Throw in the online reading....oh my God, all the online reading AND MY PRINTER BROKE!  I just keep reminding myself every day that I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO MY DEGREE!

My daughter's laptop has been missing for a week now and I am positive that it isn't in this house.  Money was taken from my bedroom about a week ago as well.  Of course, NOBODY fesses up to it so as my mother used to tell me, it must have been Casper the Ghost.  Meanwhile, my trust in people has been bruised and if you know me at all, you know that my trust in people (for the most part) is...WAS a quality of mine I held dear.  I just WON'T turn into that person who is suspicious of everyone!  What a horrible way to live.  I hope the bruise heals soon.  But...the laptop (and money from my bedroom) has been stolen none-the-less.

My father-in-law has been in a nursing home and I really want to go visit him.  I feel so bad that I don't have the time to see him as often as I would like and I get really angry when "people" (I won't name names here) tell me how much he would like to see me.  I will definitely plan to get there next week but I also know that school is going to have me working incredibly hard this semester!

My doctor told me that my Lupus has progressed.  Lupus is a spectrum disease.  It can be mild, moderate, or severe, or anywhere in between.  Mine is on the high end of moderate now.  He put me on a mild dose of chemotherapy pills and it seems to be helping but the pain in my foot is still there. At my last visit, the first year resident interviewed me.  She got my information, spoke with the doctor, then they both came in to talk to me.  I told the resident that I think the problem in my toe is Gout, rather than Lupus Arthritis.  She asked me why I thought that and I gave all my reasons.  She left to talk with the doc and he and she return.  Doc (who is absolutely AMAZING and I thank God all the time for getting me hooked up with him) says, "Dr. Resident just made a very good catch.  She believes the problem in your foot may be Gout.  We will test your uric acid and if it is Gout, we have ways to treat it."  I let her keep the feather in her cap.  I mean really, it won't hurt me any.  My only goal here is to get the pain relieved.  Dr. Resident making a medical diagnosis, regardless of exactly HOW it got diagnosed on the other hand, is a big deal for her.  But really, I diagnosed my Lupus 4 years before the docs did because their precious ANA test came back negative each time (which does NOT rule out Lupus) and now I may have diagnosed my own Gout.  I am freakin' brilliant and convinced that since I don't know calculus at all, pre-med students should not have to know the useless shit!!  I seem to have figured out how to understand what a patient feels without even knowing the damn limits in calculus!  Imagine that!

My youngest and biggest dog has had the squirts for 3 days now.  Every single time I passed the dining room, there was a new piece of watery artwork on the carpet.    Yesterday, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I began crying each time I started to clean up another puddle of poo.  I took a break from the cleaning to talk to my dear friend.  She informed me that her husband has been placed on home hospice care.  I bawled my eyes out as soon as I hung up because I know that hospice = less than 6 months to live and I love this man so very much! They both have been a huge part of my life for 20 years now.  My friend is dying.  My dear friend's husband is dying.  I texted my husband to tell him and he replied, "How is (friend) doing?"  I answered.  He never texted me back asking how I am doing and that made me cry even harder.  I went back downstairs TO FIND ANOTHER MOTHER EFFING PUDDLE ON THE FLOOR!  Everyone by now is getting on my case to call the vet but I wasn't going to do that until the damn carpet was cleaned.  I began cleaning and began puking.  Not because I couldn't stand the smell because I am a mother and an EMT and although smells do bother me, they normally don't bring me to retching unless I am too stressed to deal with it.

I cleaned a 3'x3' area of carpet for an hour and ran out of carpet cleaner so finished the job with Shout.

Then the big dog wiped her ass on the other carpet and left a smear.

Then the little dog puked stomach bile on the other carpet.

Then all the shitty water from the carpet cleaner poured out of the hand tool hose and made an enormous crap puddle on the floor....and my sock.

Then I kept getting busy signals when I called the vet.

Then I realized that I don't have any money on me to take the dog to the vet OR to buy my school books.

Then I got a text from my daughter that someone I know died.

All of this while I was (AGAIN) trying to quit smoking.

FML!FML!  Even typing that now feels slightly wrong.  I mean, I have sooo much to be thankful for and my life certainly could be wayyyy worse!  I certainly don't want to overlook all the good in my life and I am not anywhere close to finding the nearest bridge.

I Finished cleaning the carpet, bought a pack of cigarettes, and went to the tattoo place to plan the rest of my quarter sleeve!

Today is a new day and I am scared.