Nearing Death Experiences; Help For the Dying and Their Loved Ones

We have all heard of near death experiences; experiences people have when they suddenly go into cardiac arrest and live to talk about it.  Some people report a bright light or a tunnel with a bright light at the end of the tunnel.  Some people talk about seeing Jesus or people in their lives who have passed before them either calling them or looking down on them in a protective fashion or telling them that it "isn't there time yet."  Or, in the case of my mom who went into cardiac arrest at the age of 48 (then again just 2 days before she died), people report seeing nothing at all.  My mother seemed like she got the shaft in the near death department.  "There is nothing out there!  It was black!"  Maybe it was because she wasn't "dead" long enough or maybe her faith wasn't strong enough.  Maybe (and I find this to be most plausible) she just wanted to be her typical stubborn self!  I have always been interested in hearing of these experiences but what has interested me (and may interest you) much more are "NEARING Death Experiences."  These are things experienced by people who are terminally ill and have entered their final days.

Last semester, I read a book in my gerontology class and so far, it is the BEST book ever.  I urge you to READ THIS BOOK!

This book is authored by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.  This is what the back cover of the book says:

When someone we love is dying it's hard to know how to help. what to do, what to say.  Yet if we know how to listen and what to look for, the dying themselves can often supply the answers, letting us know what they need to hear and express to allay their fears and face death with serenity.  

For more than a decade hospice nurses Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley have tended the terminally ill.  Now, in this moving and compassionate book, they share their intimate experiences with patients at the edge of life.  Through these stories you'll come to appreciate the near-miraculous ways in which the dying communicate their needs, reveal their feelings, and even choreograph their own final moments; you'll gain new insight into the leave-taking process; and in the end, you'll discover the gifts-of wisdom, faith, and love-that the dying leave for us to share.

Sound morbid?  Maybe but I found it to be inspiring, packed with USEFUL information, and just absolutely moving.  I cried as I read it because it brought me back to my mother's death but I also felt a huge sense of accomplishment after I finished reading it.  Can you imagine ever being able to truly communicate with the dying; to have the ability to understand what a dying person NEEDS from the living in order to die peacefully?  Can you imagine possessing the skills needed to ALLOW SOMEONE TO DIE?  This book not only enables the living to help the dying but it also provides us with such wonderful information that I believe will have a huge impact on the grieving process for those who have to say "Goodbye."

I won't say too much because I really and truly want you to read this book but I will give you one tidbit (okay, two tidbits) from the book to raise your interest.  

1) The dying generally speak in metaphors when they are preparing for death.  They speak in terms of travel and this makes sense since leaving this life may be the biggest journey of their lives!  Unfortunately, the metaphors are often not understood by family and friends and as a result, family and friends panic that their dying loved one isn't making any sense.  This in turn instills anxiety, fear, and frustration in the dying as well as the family members and friends.  Consider these paraphrased examples taken from the book.   

A man who had been a boater all his life and who sailed often with his wife was dying and under the care of home hospice.  One day, the man asked his wife how the tide was.  His wife couldn't understand his reasoning for the question since clearly, her husband was unable to go sailing in his condition.  He insisted that he was going on a journey and became anxious when he didn't have the answer about the tide.  His wife called the hospice nurse in a frenzy stating that her husband had taken a turn for the worse.  He was agitated and just not making sense.  The nurse visited the home and quickly understood what the man was trying to communicate.  He was preparing to die and he needed to know if his journey from this life was going to be a safe journey.  He was scared that the journey would be very rough.  The hospice nurse explained that his trip would be a safe trip (smooth sailing so to speak) and the man was suddenly at ease and died peacefully shortly thereafter.  

The dying also have sensory (visual and auditory) experiences that we don't have.  Often they appear to be hallucinating, talking to and laughing with people who are not present in the room.  Again, this causes the family to panic.  He/she is getting worse and is hallucinating!  Please come over quickly!  Unfortunately, those who are less familiar with nearing death experiences may request from the doctor that medications be used to ease the hallucinations.  What people as a rule have a hard time understanding is that JUST BECAUSE WE CAN'T SEE THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM, IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T EXIST!  THEY ARE SIMPLY INVISIBLE TO US!!  It is very common for the dying to see people who are invisible to the non-dying; people who have passed away before them.  Usually this happens days to months before the person dies.

My friend's husband has dementia and lately, my friend has been telling me that he is "getting worse and is hallucinating all the time."  When she says to me that her husband is having a "very bad day" with tears in her eyes and an audible lump in her throat, I ask her, "why is he having a bad day?"  She tells me he is hallucinating.  I asked her once what he sees and she said, "I don't know."  I asked her to describe to me his behavior during these hallucinations.  She told me that he stares at a blank wall and talks and laughs.  I answered that it sounded like he was having a good day if he was laughing and enjoying himself.  I then asked her to consider that maybe he is not hallucinating; maybe he is simply having a nice visit with a dear friend or family member who is invisible to us.  We talked for a while as this idea started to sink in and although she still worries and says that he is hallucinating, she seems less panicked when it happens.

Please read this book and tell me what you think!!!!  Each of us will encounter someone nearing the next stage of their life at some point and wouldn't it be wonderful to have the ability to communicate with that person and to relieve some of the anxiety they may be experiencing?  This can help you as well as you understand that death doesn't have to be scary and most often, the dying are not scared if they can communicate with the people closest to them.

Have you had any experiences with a dying person that you would like to share?  If so, I would love to hear them!!