Defeated and Depressed

First of all, I want to get this out of the way.  FUCK OFF, LUPUS, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING-PIECE-OF-BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GO TO HELL, LUPUS!  KISS MY FAT, HAIRY ASS, LUPUS!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is official.  The fucking disease wins this summer battle.  I am tired of trying to be upbeat when I struggle daily. I am tired of being in pain.  I am tired of itchy spots on my skin that don't go away.  I am tired of panicking every time I see a lot of hair in the drain and looking for the next bald spot on my head.  I am tired of being tired and having to nap every single day and waking up with headaches.  I am tired of having dreams that my gardens will be beautiful again and being so delusional in kidding myself that I will ever be able to go in the gardens again.  I spent 15 minutes trying to pull the weeds that are so overgrown it is disgusting today.  The sun was hiding behind some clouds so I wanted to take advantage of that.  Except that we haven't had rain since Jesus walked the earth and even though I live on sand, it was like trying to put a shovel through concrete.

Here is a fun fact about today:  High temp of 97 degrees with a humidity of 63%.

I know it may sound silly that the condition of my gardens is ruining me.  It isn't just that.  I LOVE to garden!  It is therapeutic for me to work in the gardens.  I NEED some sun to keep me happy but Lupus has given me a lovely gift....a sun allergy.  Sunscreen and floppy hats are not the answer when it is this hot out because even though the UV rays are the main issue, the heat wipes me out as well.

I am in a major rut right now and I don't know the way out.  When I look at my yard, it reminds me of some of the ambulance calls I go on.  There are some homes that have been let go for so long.  I know they were once beautiful but because the homeowners are old and decrepit, the yards have gone to shit.  That will be my yard by the end of this summer.  Hell, it is there already as far as I am concerned.

My husband wants to help but he works 13 hours/day at a job that requires constant activity outside in the heat and by the time he gets home, he is exhausted.  My kids...no way would I get them to do the work without them bitching about it the entire time, causing me more stress.  I don't know if we could afford a gardener but even if we could, I would feel so guilty spending money that I don't earn on something that I still feel I should be able to do myself.

On top of all this, I am once again trying to quit smoking.  Don't comment on this.  You have all supported me  many times in the past and I only go back to smoking when the going gets tough.  I don't want to quit but I don't want to speed up the deterioration of my lungs and heart since Lupus is likely to do that on its own.  I also want to feel like I can overcome at least one major battle in my life right now.  I want to defeat SOMETHING and maybe I can defeat my cigarette addiction.  The problem is this.  I quit smoking for 12 years and I still wanted to smoke all the time!!!  So much that I went back to it like an idiot.  So even if I quit for a month, a year, 2 years...I will always want one.  Ugh.

And...I still have THIS to deal with!

Weeds covering the stones that used to look so pretty

Green water that needs to be cleaned.  Pond used to be clear with a waterfall and beautiful Koi

My attempt at fixing things...
Dug up old crap, put down new garden carpet and still no mulch.
Notice the weeds in the walkway...

That crap that won't stop growing along with every other weed on the planet surrounding a peach tree

Filled with weeds.  Bushes overgrown, arbor covered and the crap in the back
is the brush I have spent 5 years pushing back and now it had invaded the garden again!

Invasion of the weeds.  Battle I have been fighting for 5 years and have won up until now.

I once knew the name of this crap.  It is out of control!  Grows to be 6ft. tall, filled with milky crap and
roots are very soft so digging them up only results in splitting them.  I call it "Pain the ass crap"

It used to be so pretty

Pain the ass crap in the middle of the lawn!!!!!!!!  I thought this shit
doesn't grow in the grass but then again, our grass is burned.

Another garden gone to shit

More pain in the ass crap taking over

There is a hydrangea tree in that wire thing that is hidden by crap I don't want.

Side yard...roses I dug up 3 times AND tried to kill with brush killer and
TREES growing inside the bushes!!